


Thoughts

by JetLag



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Living Together, M/M, just thinking, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:53:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23981125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JetLag/pseuds/JetLag
Summary: He knew, it was stupid. He knew, he should let it go. But he couldn't. Could not. Would not. Because he loved that guy.
Relationships: Fíli/Kíli (Tolkien)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything for a long time. Today, I wanted to see if I could actually find new words, new thoughts and maybe new stories in my brain - and instead I found two year old words and thoughts in my computer. But I'm happy to share them with you ;-)

He knew, it was stupid. He knew, he should let it go. But he couldn't. Could not. Would not. Because he loved that guy.

It was stupid. Irresponsible. And therefore unfair. Fili claimed to be grown up, perfectly capable of taking care of and looking after himself. And well, he did one hell of a job. Not seeing a doctor. Not getting his vaccinations. Not wearing warm clothes. Not doing sports. Working too much. And not listening to his better half.

Kili had grown tired of Filis attitude. He failed the strength to fight anymore. He did not want to fight anymore. And sometimes he wished not to be there anymore.

They fought. Like a lot. Yes, sure, Kili wasn't the perfect partner. Sometimes he was sloppy. Sometimes he was moody. Sometimes he wanted to be recognized and cherished and not just for sex. Sometimes he was bossy and annoyed of Filis constant neglect of his – perfectly reasonable – requests. Sometimes he hated it, when Fíli was claiming to be right and when things had to be done in a certain way – Fili's way of course. When Fili got angry and nasty, just because Kili took the liberty to deny. That's when Kíli would ask himself for what reason they were still together.

That's when Kili would start to play the 'I'm leaving you' scenarios in his head. They'd start with the simple question of 'what if...?' What if, there is no waking up beside you in the morning? What if, there's no one with whom you could watch TV in the evening. What if there's no one to share your glass of wine and your chocolate with? What if …?

Then his thoughts would always travel to the more hurtful questions. What if there's no one to shop groceries for you? No one to do the laundry? And no one to find your keys, your wallet and to remind you when there's an appointment or an important business meeting in the office. Or at least, your mother's birthday? Those question automatically lead to the ultimate questions: What am I for you? Just something you're taking for granted? Somebody who's 'functioning' in a certain way and if he doesn't, a liability? What am I? And: would you miss me if I'd be gone?

He did not know. He did not find answers. At least not answers he wanted to find. That's when he would think that love is not enough. Love is not enough to make a real live. And sometimes the love that once was gets buried under a pile of work and every day's business.

Sometimes Kili would think of an apartment of his own. Small, cosy, neat – and his own. Quiet, of course. Too quiet, sometimes. But without the yelling, the fighting and the feeling of responsibility towards the other one. A friend once told him from a woman in his neighborhood, diagnosed with terminal cancer, who just left her husband and children to live the remaining months by herself. Whenever there'd be another fight with Fili, that woman would come to his mind and he would think: Yes! I'd do the same thing. Leave everything behind. Live on my own. Die on my own.

But then, out of the blue, Fili would come from behind, kiss him on the neck and then on the lips, claiming that he loved him. He never got an apology. He never expected one. But seeing the dark blue eyes and listening to honest word let him think that some things are worth fighting for and that sometimes staying doesn't mean defeat, but compromise.


End file.
